Update after DKA

So, last Friday night, at around midnight, I started to vomit. Luckily Gramona was over taking care of the twins while Eric was at work. I knew I didn't feel good. I hadn't felt good since the twins were born, but I didn't know what was wrong.
That morning, I took Addison to the doctor because she had diarrhea...and I was SO thirsty all day. I drank so much and I could NOT quench my thirst. I must have had 10 frescas and Cherry Coke Zeros and a gallon of water and juice. It was ridiculous.
Anyway, my mom thought I was sick and just kept taking care of the twins until Eric got home from work.
When Eric got home about 4 a.m. I was still vomiting. He thought it was food poisoning. But, when, at 11 a.m. and I was still vomiting, he decided it wasn't food poisoning and he rushed me to the emergency room.
Good thing.
My blood sugar was well above 800. A normal blood sugar is between 80-120. I was admitted to the ICU and was pumped full of insulin for a couple days and my blood sugar was checked every hour. I had a chest x-ray and an ultrasound on my kidneys, liver and gall bladder. They weren't sure what what going on...lots of head scratches from the doctors. But once they got me hydrated and got the blood sugar numbers down into the 300s, they started making educated guesses.
No one is for sure if this incident, called DKA, is directly connected to the pregnancy, but I know it is. They started treating me for both Type I and Type II diabetes, because they don't know what will happen in a month or so when hopefully things in my body calm down. I was released on Tuesday night and saw another doctor on Thursday morning. She thinks my pancreas was attacked and because that's the organ that makes insulin, something went awry there. She's hopeful it will get better. At this point, I choose to believe her.
The last week has been really tough for me. All alone at night in the hospital last week, I thought for the first time that I was going to die. I just couldn't take any more of anything. I thought I had no fight left in me.
I started getting angry at Eric for wanting children because never in my history did I think I would be a mom. And I started getting angry at the twins for making me so sick. I wondered if I could ever love them. I started getting very "poor me."
I even wrote a letter to the twins in case I died.
I wanted them to know that I tried to love them the best I could, but I really wasn't given a chance to do that. I wanted them to know that I loved their daddy very much and I waited a long time for God to bring us together so we could start a family. I wanted them to know that they have lots of family and friends who pray for them and who love them and who will help their daddy raise them.
I wanted them to know that I wanted to be the kind of mother that always encouraged them in whatever they wanted to do. I wanted them to know that when things seem really bad, they will get better and life is mostly good. I wanted them to know that smiles heal most everything, as do hugs.
I wanted them to know that if all else fails, find Papa Bear and Gramona.
If you have a problem you can't work out by yourself, talk to Papa Bear. He'll listen without judgment and he'll help you figure out a plan. If that doesn't work, I wanted to tell them to crawl into Gramona's lap and she'll rock your troubles away. And she'll tell you about your mommy because she knows me.
BUT...I know I'm not going to die. And I know I can get through all of this. It's just way more than I bargained for and with my hormones, etc. still out of whack, I'm just not bouncing back as fast as usual.
I fed both twins yesterday morning, when Eric was trying to get some sleep after work and it was the first time that I only felt tired; physically and mentally I felt good. I told each of them that I loved them, and I think it was the first time I truly meant it.
My life seems so different from when this whole pregnancy began. I remember nine months ago thinking the worst thing I'd have to deal with was my nose getting bigger and stretch marks. I can only smile now at how silly that seems.
When I see pregnant women, I no longer have this happy feeling inside. It's mostly just dread of what could happen to their lives. But I'm sure, as time goes forward, that, too, will change.
I can NOT begin to thank all the people who helped take shifts with the twins. We are truly blessed. I can't repay everyone right now. But know I'll try.
But for now, I'm happy that I can check my blood sugar and give myself insulin shots and feel pretty good, knowing that I can do it, but I don't have to do it alone. I have an amazing husband who has been my rock. I thank God for him daily. I asked him if he regrets marrying me and having the twins. He looked at me like I was crazy and he said, "I took my wedding vows seriously."
Life if good. Right now, it's just a little annoying.